Summer Massacre
A Lance Preedy Short Story
So here is the second Lance Preedy story. You can find the first one, ‘Bottom Feeders’, HERE
This one is entitled ‘Summer Massacre’ and dates from July 2013. It is based on a real experience. In 2006/2007, I wrote for an online magazine called And Cream… which was edited by my regular screenwriting partner, Matthew Waldram. It dealt with all things cult. I wrote obscure film reviews, cult actor/filmmaker profiles, and got to interview the likes of the late Tony Todd, Warwick Davis, Robert Englund, Ernie Hudson, Doug Bradley, Neil Marshall, Harvey Stephens (the lad from The Omen), and loads of others. It was a heady time. We even did a skit with Toyah Willcox. She’s a right good laugh, she is.
Unfortunately, the website no longer exists. All lost to the sands of time. The only things that remain are two short films we made in an attempt to advertise the website. They are Zombies And Cream and Die Hard in Derby, plus there are a few other odds and sods on the YouTube Channel. Enjoy!
Anyway, one of the assignments I had was to go and do an on-set report for a low (no) horror film being made in the West Midlands. The short story that follows is based on what I witnessed that day - perhaps the most chaotic film shoot I’ve ever been on. All the names have been changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent because, quite unbelievably to me now, on set that day were Zara Phythian and Victor Marke. At least, I think it was him. She was definitely there. Anyway, I don’t mind naming those scumbags). There was also a girl who had appeared on Big Brother, who I won’t name, but who was the “star” of the film. And yes, she was asked to do the things that happen in this story and happen they did.
Almost everything that happens in this story did happen on that set, I just changed the real “director” of the film into my hapless filmmaker Lance Preedy.
By the way, don’t go looking for this film, It was never finished. It never got beyond the first day’s shooting - which I was on set for - and if you read this story, you’ll see why. I never did write the on-set report at the time, either. I would have been too cruel. I just sat on it until I fictionalised it in 2013.
After digging out these two Lance Preedy stories, it has got me thinking. I wonder what he’d be doing now…
Maybe I’ll bring him back one day.
Anyway, hope you enjoy this story.
(Warning: lots of swearing and adult themes once again!)
Summer Massacre
By
Andrew David Barker
On the morning of the shoot, Lance Preedy updated his Twitter: 1st day of shoting of SUMMER MASSACRE!! #excted #shortfilm #horror. With that done he sat in front of his computer screen for a further five minutes, hitting refresh, waiting for a response.
No one did respond.
Lance was picked up by his cameraman, Jag, at 8:45 am. They drove to the location, which took around twenty minutes, during which time they talked over how they were going to shoot the day’s scenes.
Lance had conceived Summer Massacre as a kind of precursor to his feature project Last Massacre, which he had been trying to get off the ground for nearly five years. He had raised almost £12,000 through IndieGoGo and his numerous fundraiser stunts on Twitter. He once stayed awake for seventy-two hours during an epic tweetathon which netted him almost two thousand pounds. He was ill for two weeks after that.
Twelve grand was all well and good, but Lance needed £30,000 to make his vision happen. At first, the budget had been even higher because Lance had wanted to shoot Last Massacre on film. 16mm to be exact, but Jag had talked him out of it. He encouraged Lance to embrace the digital age, and as Jag owned a Cannon 7-D, they could shoot their opus on that. Once the budget levelled out to a nice round thirty grand, Lance tweeted actors Dwayne Johnson, Tom Jane, and Simon Pegg to ask if they’d be interested in being part of an epic new horror film. They weren’t.
~
The idea to scale down Last Massacre and make as a short film came from Lance’s chance encounter with a Reality TV star-cum-wannabe actress named Sarah Greenhill. They met briefly in London at a screening for a film called Toxic Waste and continued to talk via Twitter. Sarah expressed her desire to appear in a horror film and Lance immediately hit upon the idea of getting her up to Birmingham for a day to “shoot something”. She agreed, and so Summer Massacre was born; a scaled-back offshoot of Lance’s feature script.
~
By the time Jag and Lance arrived at the woodland location, the others were already waiting. The call time had been 8:30 am. It was now after nine.
‘Where you been?’
Adam said this. He was the actor appearing as the film’s signature killer, Curt Carpenter, an axe-wielding homicidal maniac in a rubber mask. Also present were Mike Rowbuck, the make-up artist, and Ed Melville, who didn’t have a specific job, but was just there to help out. This was the entire crew. All apart from Sarah Greenhill that is.
‘Where’s this actress of yours then, Lance?’ Mike said.
Lance looked shifty and went over to inspect Jag setting up the camera.
‘Yeah, when’s she getting here?’ said Adam.
‘We’ve got to go and pick her up,’ said Lance.
‘What?’ said Jag. ‘Why didn’t we just pick her up first and then come here.’
‘Because,’ Lance began, ‘her train doesn’t get in ’til half ten, and I need you here to set up the first shot.’
Jag fixed the camera to his tripod and stood back. ‘There,’ he said with a wave of his hands. ‘The shot’s set up. You telling me we’ve got to wait another hour un a half before we can shoot anything?’
‘No, you can get some shots of Curt Carpenter skulking in the bushes.’
‘Lance, why didn’t you tell us she wasn’t coming until… hang on, what do you mean I can shoot skulking stuff? Where will you be?’
Lance licked his lips. ‘Well, me and Ed have to go and pick up Sarah.’
‘Why can’t Ed go and pick her up on his own?’ interjected Mike.
‘Because she’s expecting me to pick her up personally. She doesn’t know Ed.’
‘But you’re the director, Lance,’ said Jag. ‘You need to be here directing.’
‘But we can’t do anything ’til Sarah gets here anyway,’ said Lance.
‘So why the fuck are we here?’ said Jag. ‘We could’ve all just come over at eleven.’
‘Look, it won’t take long to pick her up,’ said Lance, ‘and in the meantime, Mike can get Adam all made up and then you lot can get some shots. Also Jag, you can grab some shots of the woods. For atmosphere ‘un shit.’
~
Ed and Lance arrived at the train station at quarter to eleven only to discover that Sarah’s train was delayed by about forty-five minutes. Ed and Lance went and sat in the bar and sank a couple of beers.
Sarah Greenhill finally arrived at twenty-five past eleven. Ed and Lance had drunk three pints each by then. Lance greeted Sarah on the platform and led her into the station’s pub, where Ed had just bought two more pints. Lance asked Sarah what she wanted and she said, ‘a gin and tonic’.
Apart from their brief meeting at the Toxic Waste screening, this was the first time Lance had spent any considerable time in Sarah’s presence and he was a little nervous at first. By pint number five, however, any inhibitions he did feel were soon gone. Sarah also appeared to loosen up by the time she got to her third G & T. Ed didn’t go past four pints. He was driving after all.
‘I can’t wait to shoot this film, Lance,’ said Sarah.
‘It’s gonna be great,’ said Lance.
‘Yeah, I’ve always wanted to do a horror film. Loved them since I was a kid. I remember seeing Nightmare on Elm St when I was really little and it shitting me up for weeks.’
‘Well, we’ve got a really wicked make-up guy – Mike’s his name – and he’s great at really gory stuff, so your death scene is gonna be immense.’
‘Awesome,’ she said and drained her gin and tonic.
~
They left the station at 12:45 pm.
~
They hit a little traffic on the way back to the location and didn’t arrive at the woodland until half past one. Lance desperately needed to pee and raced off into the tree line to do his business. Ed opened the backdoor to allow Sarah to step out. She looked at the muddy track that weaved through the trees, then down at her feet. She was wearing heels.
‘You might have to carry me,’ she said to Ed.
Ed smiled and said, ‘I could give you a piggyback.’
Lance appeared again from out of the trees. He was laughing to himself and had a little pee down the front of his jeans.
‘This film is gonna be awesome,’ he proclaimed.
‘Hell, yeah,’ cried Sarah.
‘Yeah well, we better get back, they’ll be waiting for us,’ said Ed.
‘Is your crew already here?’ Sarah asked Lance.
‘Yeah,’ he answered. ‘They should be set up by now.’
Ed laughed but made no remark. He turned and crouched down in front of Sarah.
‘Me lady,’ he said, readying himself for her to climb on his back.
‘Wait,’ said Lance. ‘What you doing?’
‘Offering our star a lift,’ said Ed. ‘She’s only got heels on.’
‘Well, I can do that.’
‘Eh?’
‘It’s only right that I carry her, Ed, as I’m the director.’
Ed gave him a look, then said, ‘Whatever you say, boss.’
He stepped away from Sarah and allowed Lance to take his place.
~
Lance stumbled and nearly dropped Sarah. He was panting hard. Sarah was giggling as he carried her. Ed walked behind them. He checked his phone. He had twelve missed calls, some from Mike, some from Adam, and five texts. He read the first. It was from Mike. It read: where the fuck are u. Another text was from Jag. It read: If Lance doesn’t get back here in 30mins, I’m leaving. That was sent at 12:30. Ed looked at the time on his phone. It was now 1:25.
‘Think we might have a problem, Lance,’ he said.
Lance turned. ‘What?’
Ed looked at Sarah and wondered how best to explain the situation. ‘It’s just… Jag and the others are wondering where we are.’
‘Text ’em back. Tell ’em we’re here.’
‘Sure.’
Ed sent a multi-text to Jag, Mike, and Adam telling them that he, Lance, and Sarah would be there in five minutes. Only Mike texted back. It read: Jag and Adam are not happy at all.
~
‘Where the fuck have you been?’
This was Adam, who approached Lance (and Sarah) in full Curt Carpenter costume – tatty leather face mask, fittingly grotesque and bloody, and dirty, shapeless overalls. Lance crouched to allow Sarah off his back. He was breathing heavily. Jag and Mike were stood by a small tent which they had erected. The camera was set low on the tripod, directly in front of the tent.
‘We got stuck in traffic,’ said Lance. His voice was unsteady.
‘The fuck you did,’ said Adam. ‘You’ve been gone four fucking hours.’
‘Yeah, sorry,’ said Lance. ‘But everything’s set up, right? Get any shots done.’
‘Un-fucking-believable,’ said Adam.
Jag came walking up. ‘Yeah, we got some shots done. Got some good stuff of Adam stalking through the trees.’
‘Cool,’ said Lance. ‘This is Sarah, everyone.’
‘Where were you, Lance?’ said Jag.
‘Well, Sarah’s train was delayed.’
Adam cut in, ‘You just said you got stuck in traffic.’
‘We did, but also her train was well late, and then it took us ages to get back.’
‘Are you pissed?’ said Jag.
‘No.’
‘You fucking look it. You’re slurring your words and everything.’
‘Fuck off.’
‘You fucking are!’
‘Alright, we might’ve had one or two.’
‘Oh, for fuck–’
‘But it was while we were waiting for Sarah.’
Jag said to Sarah, ‘You had a drink?’
Sarah looked at Lance.
‘Never mind him. Did you have a drink?’
‘Yeah, but, it’s my fault. I’d just had a nightmare train journey and insisted that I needed a quick drink before heading to set.’
Jag seemed to accept this but then turned back to Lance. ‘Why didn’t you at least text us to tell us you were gonna be late?’
‘I thought Ed would’ve told you.’
‘What?’ said Ed. ‘You never said anything about letting them know.’
‘Well, I can’t think of everything, Ed. I’ve got a fucking film to direct.’
‘Where’s your phone, Lance?’ said Jag.
‘Forgot it. Left it at home.’
Mike stepped forward. ‘We rang you shit loads of times, Ed.’
‘My phone was on silent. Look, I didn’t think we’d be that long, but Lance kept going to the bar.’
‘Fuck you, Ed.’
‘Look, guys,’ Sarah began. ‘I’m only here for a few hours, so why don’t we just get on with shooting this film, okay?’
Everyone fell silent.
~
The first shot required Sarah Greenhill to open up her tent and step out naked. She refused to do this however and a compromise was reached whereby she agreed to just go topless. While Mike worked on Sarah’s make-up, Lance had a moment alone with Ed.
‘I feel like they’re all turning on,’ he said.
‘Well, we were a long time, Lance.’
‘I know, but it’s my film.’
‘But it’s people’s time, Lance... that they’re giving you for free.’
‘Yeah, suppose.’
Ed looked at Lance and saw tears in his eyes.
‘I just want everyone to get along so we can make a great film.’
Ed didn’t say anything.
Lance continued. ‘I know this could be really good. I need to get something made. This is my only chance.’
‘This isn’t your only chance, Lance. But you’ve gotta understand, we’re all doing this for you and for the film. We want to see it made as much as you.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Lance, mate, you’ve got to focus. This film is already well behind. If we don’t get these shots done today, there’s no way we’re gonna finish it this weekend.’
‘Well, it’s gotta be right. If we have to shoot next weekend as well, then we will. I’ve still got plenty of money from the fundraising.’
Ed looked at him but didn’t say anything.
~
‘Don’t you have to have one of those boom things?’ asked Sarah.
‘No,’ said Lance, ‘we’re just getting the sound through the mic on the camera. We’ll beef up the sound in the edit.’
‘Oh, right.’
Sarah was sat in the opening of the tent. She was still wearing a thin white t-shirt. No bra. The camera was set up before her, Jag stood behind it. Lance was crouched down in front of the tent talking to Sarah.
‘So, in this scene you open up the tent and step out. Maybe you could stretch, you know, like you’ve just got up.’
‘So you can get a good look at my tits?’
‘Err, no, it’s just… y’know, it’s a horror film. It’s what people want.’
‘Sure.’
‘So you come out and take a look around, and then we’re gonna cut to all the stalking shots of Curt Carpenter when we edit it.’
‘So, do you like want me to hear him or something?’
‘Yeah, that’s good. Let’s try that.’
~
They shot the scene at 3:15 pm. Sarah unzipped the tent and stepped out, her breasts exposed. She stretched and then heard something out in the trees. Her expression turned to fear right away and she ran from the tent with a scream. Lance called ‘cut’ and said, ‘That was great.’ They didn’t do another take.
Sarah covered up as they set up the next shot. Lance again directed her through the sequence. Curt Carpenter would be chasing her through the woods and she was to scream in terror as she ran for her life. Sarah was worried that her breasts would look ridiculous bouncing around as she ran, but Lance assured her that this was what horror audiences wanted.
They worked on the sequence for a further two hours, at which point, at around 5:15, Sarah said they would have to shoot her death scene ‘pretty quick’ because her train left at 6:45. Jag argued with Lance that there wasn’t enough time to finish the sequence.
They did get through the scene, however. Sarah was attacked by Curt Carpenter – Adam seemingly having a good time grabbing the semi-naked girl – and chopped her up with his axe, all of which happened off-screen. Mike had made a prosthetic arm to be chopped off, but there was no time to film it, so Jag just framed the camera at Sarah’s twitching feet as Mike threw blood past the camera.
~
Ed and Lance then once again left the crew – this time to clear up – and took Sarah back to the station. She made her train on time.
~
That night, Lance updated his website, writing a blog about how well the first day’s shoot went. He then tweeted about it.
He rang Jag at 9:30 to arrange the call time for the next day.
Jag said, ‘I’m not shooting tomorrow.’
‘What?’
‘You heard. Today was a fuck up from start to finish. I ain’t working on your film anymore.’
‘You can’t do this!’
‘I fucking can.’
‘What about my footage.’
‘Your footage? Shot on my camera, mate. If want the footage, you’ll have to pay for it.’
The phone went dead.
Lance then stayed up until midnight writing another blog where he called Jag Tamali an ‘unprofessional saboteur’, amongst other things and then continued to tweet about Jag throughout the night.
The tweet which was favourited and retweeted the most – around a dozen times – read: Dont work with @jtamali he is a cunt i will NEVER wrk w him again & his camerawrk is wank. RT
That next day, Sarah Greenhill blocked Lance Preedy on both Twitter and FB.
Andrew David Barker © 2013